Not Me Monday!!

• When trick-or-treating with my two year old I most certainly did not coach him by directing him away from the suckers in the big candy bowls and instead in the direction of the chocolate chocolate chocolate.
• Furthermore, I did not return home at the end of a fun night with my family only to complain that Oliver didn’t score me a single Butterfinger bar.
• Last week, when emptying Oliver’s diaper pail I did not notice a perfectly new and clean diaper sitting on top, and upon further (very stinky) digging I did not ultimately recover EIGHT perfectly new and clean diapers from among his dirty diapers.
• (This, of course, does not help to explain why on earth we are going through diapers so quickly in our house!)
• When sitting down to plan my weekly grocery list I do not always ensure that a 1-lb. bag of Twizzlers makes it on the list, then into my shopping cart and ultimately into my Twizzler-loving tummy. Not me, that would be so disgusting!
• At this very moment I do not have a doula client who is nearly 7 centimeters dilated and still not in labor. I am not planning to meet her in Nashville in the morning where her doctor will break her water and I will have the privilege of helping her give birth to her third child.
• I am totally not stoked about this and I am most definitely not having a hard time sleeping tonight in anticipation.
• I an definitely not planning to add “Butterfinger” to my grocery list directly beneath “Twizzlers” to make up for the gross injustice that was done me on All Hallows Eve.
• This week for lunch I have most certainly not been lazy and fed Oliver non-nutritious meals such as Ramen noodles or Macaroni and Cheese with hot dogs. No, I’m very together and would never feed my sweet child anything short of a complete, balanced, nutritious meal from all five food groups.
• This week I did not have two sweet high school girls come to my house to spend time with me and Oliver and immediately put them to work sweeping and moping my floors. Not me.
• I do not consider a bowl of Cheerios and raisins an abbreviated food pyramid and offer it as a “lunch won’t be ready until 2:00” substitute.
• And, as for Oliver and me; we do not spend most days until 4:00 in our pajamas because the only person who sees us is Ryan.
• I do not confess to having a small amount of anxiety about being in a labor and delivery setting tomorrow for the first time since Evie’s birth. I’m sure that that is not contributing to my sleeplessness as well.
• I did not sit down to read my Bible during Oliver’s nap today and completely conk out for 2 hours and never actually get around to reading my Bible.
• I definitely am not leaving the latest issue of J.Crew on my dresser because it coordinates with my bedroom so beautifully and I do not consider it a new bit of free decor.
• And finally, I most certainly did not spend a considerable portion of Sunday’s sermon daydreaming about how I can improve my creamed spinach recipe. Nope, not me.

Whew! That’s all. I feel so much better. :)