I never know how much is too much information. It’s a fault of mine. A lot of times I think I share too much. When should I share that I’m pregnant? Should I share specifics about how the pregnancy is going? I always wondered about folks that keep their blog readers updated on the dilatation of their cervix – is that possibly too much information? Or not? I don’t know.
Well, I have a bit of information as of last night. A new development, I suppose. I’ve debated about whether to share this or not since it is quite personal. I’ve concluded that I can trust you all, that is, those of you that I know read my blog. But, I don’t choose to limit who reads my blog, so I’m really handing over this rather private information to the world.
I think the bottom line for me is that I know God is at work in my life; in both the mountain tops and in the valleys, He is there. And, it’s important to acknowledge the valleys, because everyone experiences them and God is at work then just as He is in the highs of life.
I’m sometimes tempted to hide the things that might not reflect so well on Him, the things that don’t make sense to me, and play up the things that I think are the most glorious. I sometimes forget that God is faithful to redeem every situation and that keeping the bad stuff to myself – the things that make we want to “protect God from scrutiny” – is really failing to glorify God in every situation. (To be honest, I’m embarrassed to even say that I’ve had those thoughts – but I’ll tell you that I’ve always been very straightforward with you all on my blog. If you’ve read it, you know.)
That to say, I got a call from my midwife last night. She had finally gotten my ultrasound from last week and was actually able to explain a lot of what was happening.
From what she saw, I had what is called a blighted ovum. In medical terms, this means that there was very early embryonic death with continued development of the rest of the pregnancy (gestational sac, etc.). A blighted ovum is one type of miscarriage, but not the most common type.
In my case (if you care to stick with me on this), I generally have trouble in early pregnancy for two very specific reasons:
Extensive blood testing in December revealed that I have a couple of maternal genetic mutations (C677T and C198MF) which cause my blood to clot excessively and prevent proper implantation by a fetus in early pregnancy. (How we ever got Oliver, I’ll never know. Thank you, Lord!) Fortunately, there is a simple fix for this, we think. I am to take a baby aspirin a day to thin my blood enough to support implantation. It is possible, though not certain that this lack of blood flow may have been what caused Evie to be so sick. (IMPORTANT NOTE: If anyone who has not been diagnosed with these MGM’s treated themselves with baby aspirin during early pregnancy they would have the opposite effect and it would be very dangerous for their baby!)
Also, I have low progesterone levels and need to supplement with Prometrium (crazy pills) in my first trimester.
Here’s where this all comes together. We have been very discouraged in this past week knowing that even after all these answers and ALL this medicine, I was still miscarrying AGAIN! I was, as you know, ready to throw my hands up and call Oliver an only child. But, (and we can look at this as glass half-empty or half-full) I lost this pregnancy well before any of this medicine could have helped.
Still with me?
Yes, this means that we have experienced pretty much every pregnancy problem under the sun (incompetent cervix, placenta previa and placental abrubtion excluded – Help us, Jesus!), but at least we still have a solution that can prevent some of them from happening again.
Make sense?
We’re sad about this pregnancy. We are really disappointed and grieving. But, we are not as discouraged now as we initially were.
We know with confidence that God is the Great Physician, and, that He is the Creator and Giver of Life. With so many “medical solutions” swirling around us in this past year, it has been tempting to find ourselves leaning heavily on medicine to save us: “Yeah, God might help, but how about that progesterone?” But we know that, while medicine can and does help us, God has the final word.
We are not creators. We are not life-sustainers. We are trusting God to shape our family as he has each and every one of yours. And for that, we give Him the glory.
(I guess that wasn’t so bad. Now you know about all my dirty little secrets and my maternal mutations. We can still be friends, right?)
>I always knew you were a mutant, even if not of the adolescent, reptilian, crime-fighting variety.
And thanks for sharing the “giving God the glory for the good things” part. Shoot, I do the same thing. You just called me out on it. Shoot.
>”protect God from scrutiny”
I’ve also felt this way. But, God is the same God yesterday, today, and tomorrow. No matter if its the good days or the bad. He is still God. You definitely called me out on it, too. Its a good thing, too. :)
>I hope you don’t think I’m a crazy stalker. It’s okay if you do though.
I feel really led to your blog, to what God is doing in your life…maybe because He is working in similar ways in my own life.
It’s extremely hard to believe in God’s sovereignty when things aren’t looking the way I think they should, or the way they look in other people’s lives. I can understand feeling like you need to ‘protect God from scrutiny’…but He can take it. And I think He wants us to put it all out there. I don’t know, maybe I’m wrong, but King David definitely put it all out there.
Thank you for your honesty. I hope you don’t mind a stranger reading your blog (you can tell me if you do). It is unbelievably comforting to find someone falling into the arms of Jesus when things fall apart.
“There are many heads lying in Christ’s bosom, but here is room for yours among the rest.”
Samuel Rutherford
In Christ,
ebe