I really like going to the cemetery to visit our Evie girl.
What I don’t like is the picking out flowers part. (That and leaving the cemetery without her are frankly enough to keep me from going a lot of times.)
The flowers part is hard for me because it never fails to leave me feeling helpless and irritated. I get so determined to pick something really special and really perfect for my daughter, but I can’t ever seem to find a single flower in Franklin that is just exactly what I want. Nothing is right. And then I really start to wish I could just have her here, picking out ice cream toppings and winter coats and favorite books to read instead of stupid silk flowers. I get so frustrated that the only way I get to be her Mommy is picking seasonal arrangements for her gravesite.
That probably sounds so whiney, I know. And there are times when I can be reasonable and rational and grateful that we live near to where she is buried and that I do have some kind of role still as her mother.
Cemetery flowers just aren’t my cup of tea.
And so, as a result of a big mix of my frustration, some inadvertent ill planning, and fresh flowers losing their freshness after her birthday in April, the vase on Evie’s headstone sat empty for several months this summer.
By August I began to feel like a terrible mother, knowing that all the other sweet babes around her had lovely flowers in their vases and our Evie-girl’s fresh flowers had faded and had not been replaced with a new silk arrangement.
It was time to buck up and go pick out some flowers. Even if I’d never find anything good enough for her, certainly something would do. And even though I hated that it was my reminder that I don’t get to pick out other things for her, I thought of my sweet girl. And I thought about how much I adore her. And I put together a lovely autumn arrangement to mark the little place we go to visit her.
But the thing that I very much did not expect is that when we turned the corner to the little baby garden in the cemetery, there were already flowers there! A few beautiful pink roses with a white satin bow tied carefully around them. I called the Mommies of the other babes around our girl to see if there was someone I could thank for loving our girl – and us! – so much, but no one knew who it was.
They say the quickest way to a woman’s heart is through loving her children. We were touched beyond words.
We had a sweet afternoon visiting the daughter we ache for and who’s little life we will never cease to celebrate. We added our fall flowers to the vase along with the roses someone had left. And leaving that day was just as hard and helpless as it usually is. But, we left knowing that our girl is loved – and remembered! And that Evie is a part of our community, and that we are not alone in missing her.
This may sound silly, but I realized on the way home that day that there was actually another thing I get to do as Evie’s Mom. Forgetting to take flowers and being maybe a little less “on top of things” than the other Mommies just shows that I am her Mom. Oliver goes to school and leaves his lunchbox on the kitchen counter more often than I’d like to admit. Our kids occasionally wear mismatched socks or stay up too late or dip wash cloths in the toilet and then suck the water out of them (true story – so foul!), all usually because Ryan or I have dropped the ball somewhere along the way.
Having an empty vase for a couple of months kind of just makes her even more ours. She’s got the parents who forget things, yet love her like crazy. She’s a Myers girl. And I am so proud to be her Mama.
——————————————————————
My heart is heavy tonight as we grieve with friends who just got the news that no parent wants to get. We are all aching together knowing that we will not get to love and care for their sweet baby on this side of Heaven – at least not in the language of winter coats and favorite books. Life is fragile, friends. But our God, He is faithful! And He does not change like the shifting shadows.
Souls of men, why will ye scatter
like a crowd of frightened sheep?
Foolish hearts, why will ye wander
from a love so true and deep?
Was there ever kindest shepherd
half so gentle, half so sweet,
as the Savior who would have us
come and gather round his feet? There’s a wideness in God’s mercy,
like the wideness of the sea;
there’s a kindness in his justice,
which is more than liberty.
There is no place where earth’s sorrows
are more felt than up in heaven;
there is no place where earth’s failings
have such kindly judgment given.
-“Souls of Men! Why Will Ye Scatter”
Words: Frederick William Faber, 1862
this is wonderful, Raech. i didn’t know you lost a child. this is a wonderful post. you are a great mother. :) i haven’t seen you since high school, and yet, because i see your photos and know your heart.. i know your children and your husband are blessed by you. :)
Cami, thanks for your note! You are more than welcome to read about our girl and our story here: http://raechelmyers.com/2008/01/but-take-heart-i-have-overcome-the-world/ (it’s the very beginning of a long and very glorious story the Lord is still writing in our lives)
Nice to hear from you!
A post about visiting your daughters grave could never, ever, ever, ever sound whiny. Ever! She is a lucky girl to have you as a mom, flowers or no flowers.
This post reminded me that I have been living in walking distance of my grandfather (who passed away 10 years ago)’s grave for the past 10 months and haven’t even visited it, or taken my baby there, and my husband has never been there. We’ll go, this week. So thank you.
Thanks for the note, Micaela. May this be a sweet week of remembrance for you and your family!
Love you Raechel!
Ah, my heart hurts with you and your dear friends, Mama Rae.
Lord, let us hold fast to you. Wrap your mighty arms around us and drench us in your grace, faithfulness and HOPE.
Much love to you tonight, friend.
Love,
Mis
Thanks for being brave enough to share this. You are a very wonderful mama to all 3 of your kids–flowers or no flowers, you carry such a bright light for Evie and her story and I think that’s far more important than having the perfect flowers at her grave. It’s funny–I never talk about my miscarriage anymore. It was 2.5 years ago, and I’ve had 2 healthy kids since then, and it was my first pregnancy, and I was only 6 weeks along–all of which made me feel like I would be whiny or overdramatic to still have sadness. But I think one thing I learned from this post is that it’s ok to miss being someone’s mom. I think that is even a good thing and makes me long for heaven when death is conquered and the goodbyes end. Until then, may he give you peace and joy as you mother your little ones here, and strength to keep waiting until you are with Evie too.
I got goosebumps reading the latter part of this. So true Raechel.
So grateful to hear about Evie again! I know she is missed and loved greatly and I am grateful that you share her here. Praying for you and for your friends who now will walk your same road!! It doesn’t make sense and I don’t think we will ever understand the “whys” this side of Heaven. I am grateful that this is not the end of your story, or theirs and some day there will be ice cream toppings galore in Heaven!! Blessings to you.
Raechel —
So very true and so very hard. We have yet to pick out or even look at a grave stone for our sweet Elliott. But, for some reason I know that will be the hardest decision we make. Thank you for keeping it real and blessing me yet again.
April
Raechel — I love your blog and this is such a sweet post! You are soooo creative and crafty. I was thinking that sometime you could come up with something to make for Evie’s vase. It doesn’t even have to be flowers. I bet you could make something that is beautiful, durable for the weather, and totally YOU! And you would enjoy making it and you would get to bless her with your craftiness. Just a thought…I don’t have any ideas right now, but if I think of something I’ll pass it along!
Oh,Rachael. I can so relate. I too lost my son Christian in April (carried my sweet boy after a fatal
Prenatal diagnosis). It took me 6 months to order my NILMDTS photos because once I do his baby book, what else can I “do” to parent him. I ordered them today and realized there is no time table for these things. No “how-to” book for what to do!! Don’t be hard on yourself. You are an amazing wife and mommy. I know just from reading your blog!! You are a blessing to me and so many others!
Oh rachael. I can so relate. It’s been 6 months since I lost my son Christian (carried him after he was diagnosed at 22 weeks with a fatal condition) I just TODAY ordered his NILMDTS photos. Once I print them, do his baby book and a few other things, what else is there to “do”. It’s painful
To parent our angels in these “non-traditional” ways. I have learned there is no timetable, no how-to book. So be easy on yourself. You are a wonderful wife and mommy to all 3 of your kiddos!
My Prayers are with you, your friend & her family. I suffered two miscarriages a couple years ago & then a couple months ago my sister-in-law went through the same thing. Helping her through it was so much harder than I ever thought imaginable just because of all the emotions it brought to the surface for us all over again.
hugs!
Jenny
Raechel,
I’m sitting here after reading your beautiful post fighting back the tears. I’ve shed quite a few over the last few days so I am trying to build my supply back up.:-)
I pray that God hold you tight right now. I do not know the loss of a child but I do know what it is like not to be able to visit a grave. My dad & sister are burried far far away, overseas & i cannot there.
In all the ways you get to be Evie’s Mommy I think the most wonderful one is that she grew in you womb. Blessings to you all! Love your blog & enjoying visiting here & finding such wonderful-heartfelt posts.
Marcella
Much love and many prayers being sent up for you. xoxo
It’s always interesting to me how circumstances lead me back to your blog. It usually involves seeing the title of a post on another blog’s Blogher link that I click on which leads me here. And then I start reading and thinking, “she looks familiar, or she just mentioned Franklin and my brother lives there.” And then I remember. You were the one who walked with my brother and his wife and their kiddos when they lost Mary Genevieve. When I couldn’t be there and still don’t have a way to be in that part of their lives, I can rest knowing that there is someone who can love on them exactly as I would want for them to have. Thank you for that. ~ Sara (Dave’s sister)
Thank you, thank you, thank you for posting this. i too put off picking out those dumb silk flowers for Andon’s grave… It makes me sad and makes me think of the other things I should be picking out for him instead. You just made me feel “normal”…. I always feel terrible for not wanting to pick out the dumb flowers or not wanting to face the heart wrenching feelings when it’s time to leave with out him so I don’t go as often as I’d even like to.
Still so thankful to be his momma though. Thanks for the reminder. Thanks for loving me through your words and helping my heart even if you didn’t know you were doing so :)