pinterest, death, & how he looks at me

Posted by & filed under Being a Mom, Oliver.

It turns out, motherhood isn’t so easy.

Oftentimes it comes very naturally and the moments we share with our children are pure joy. Sometimes, hours after we put the kids to bed for the night, we sneak into their rooms and steal one of them out of their beds to snuggle on the sofa just a little more before we go to bed ourselves. Our babies delight us. Truly.

But every moment isn’t tenderoni. Sometimes I just want to be alone or read a book or *ahem* browse Pinterest for half a cotton pickin’ minute. (I know I’m not alone here, right?) The point is, kids are work. They (especially my beloved firstborn) have big ideas that require set up and clean up and undivided attention for long stretches of time. And food. So. Much. Food.

Now, I love a good production as much as the next guy. And I often dig right into his big ideas (i.e. our week-long backyard carnival). But sometimes I just want my guy to play independently and without fanfare. Sometimes I want to do my own things while he does his and Sis does hers.

This has been my battle this week.

It turns out, motherhood entails a good amount of dying to self. Many times a day. Lots of putting aside what I want to do in order to help find a shoe, to push my littles on the swings, to play a game of Memory, take another walk, make tickets for a carnival or to slice up yet another apple (seriously, how can they possibly still be hungry!?).

Everyone talks about how rewarding motherhood is, but folks don’t always talk about all the death to self it requires. And this week, quite frankly, I’ve done all the dying I can do.

And sometimes I want to go hide in the bathroom and lock the door.

I am reminded though (sometimes by my friends, sometimes by y’all, and often by the Holy Spirit) that this too shall pass. The whining and the snacking and the swinging, yes, it will pass. And with it, their desire to be with their Mama. They are growing up, and there will come a time when they won’t want to snuggle or read or build Lego masterpieces together.

Some days, I play because I want to and it’s easy. But this week, I played even though I didn’t feel like it. Even though I haven’t opened the door to my sewing room in a week and had promised an embroidery tutorial. I played even though it was freakishly hot outside. I played even though doing so would make a big mess that would be added to the list of things that need tidying.

This week, we set up the tent in the backyard.

We gathered together snacks

and reading materials

and laid back and let our imaginations run wild.

Big brother read to little sister (and I snuck one photo with the zoom lens before they noticed me and the moment was over).

And even though I was tired and resistant to my little guy’s big idea, I did it. And it made him really, really happy.

And he looked at me like this.

And I’m pretty sure tutorials and coffee can wait.

And that dying to self has its perks.

And that I won’t regret loving my children well, one day at a time.
(even if it is occasionally from behind the closed bathroom door)

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21 Responses

  1. Kelly 17 May 2012 at 3:20 pm

    I love this and can SOOOO relate. My 4-yr-old boy and 20-month-old girl are such a delight and at the same time I often find myself dealing with these same situations. Seriously, how DO they eat that much?! I feel like 85% of my day is spent getting them food! ;) Anyway, you are so right – it is all SOO worth it!!

    Reply
  2. Leigh 17 May 2012 at 5:23 pm

    Thank you for posting this. Believe it or not God just used you very detailed in my life. I am a full time working mom and I have been praying about how to commit to putting the phone down when I am with my kids in the evenings and on weekends. I needed to hear this today. Off to play!!!

    Reply
  3. Ashley Ward 17 May 2012 at 7:07 pm

    You’re such a lovely mama. Did you happen to catch the article that was going around fb awhile ago that was a letter to a mother of her first child? In it the author was talking about how long some of the days of motherhood can be (don’t we all stare longingly at the not-moving clock waiting for Daddy to please.finally.come.the.heck.home???) and she said, “To become a mother, I had to learn how to care about someone more than I did about myself, and that was terrible.” That line made me stop, because I thought, “Wait! You aren’t supposed to say that!! It is the most wonderful thing in all the world!” But then I really realized that I had stopped because there was a piece of my heart saying, “Yes. Someone finally was brave enough to put words to it.” And I know the mama who wrote this loved her babies more than anything, just as I love mine and you love yours. But there are days this road is a hard one to walk, and I am always grateful for beautiful friends who are honest about it–because as tough as some of my mothering days can be (today was a day of lost shoes, vomit shirts, and public meltdowns….) I can’t imagine these days without other moms! God certainly knew we’d need community in this! Love your heart and that you share it!

    Reply
  4. Kathleen ward 17 May 2012 at 7:56 pm

    Youre gonna miss this. You’re gonna want this back. Youre gonna wish these days hadnt gone by so fast. these are some good times. So take a good look around. You may not know it now, but you’re gonna miss this.

    Praying for you, you’re doing great!

    Reply
  5. alyssa 17 May 2012 at 9:23 pm

    I can totally relate- I think we all can. I know I’ll have those moments, especially with school out in 3 days. And even though sometimes we really have to make ourselves do the things they want to do so badly, it really is worth it!

    And yes, do cuddle them as much as possible! My oldest is 13, and no longer wants to cuddle, play or anything of the sort. My 8 year old does, and we do. I know all too soon that he will be the same way, and I dread that day terribly.

    Reply
  6. Heidi 17 May 2012 at 10:54 pm

    Yes, yes, yes. And now that my son is getting older and I’ve had a few moments where he’s choosing other things over me, I’m even more certain that I’m going to miss this. Good reminder but sometimes a hard reality.

    Reply
  7. Christine 17 May 2012 at 11:22 pm

    Yesterday I outlawed the word “Mama.” And also snacks.

    So! Obviously missing the “dying to self” message over here.

    (The tent is a great job on your part. So muggy, I bet. You get a thousand points for the house of your choice.)

    Reply
  8. Laura G. 18 May 2012 at 7:52 am

    Amen. I’ve been thinking and feeling along the same vein. How blessed your children are to have a mama who makes all those sacrifices.

    Reply
  9. Kristen 18 May 2012 at 11:24 am

    Oh Raechel…this post is so appropriate for me lately. For the last two months I have been home three days a week with my 5 year old and it has been hard. The last time I lost my job I had both of my girls home and they could play with each other, this time, just one….can she needs constant attention. “mom, can you come with me to the bathroom”, “Mom can you play with me”, “mom, mom mom”.

    Some days it is all I can do but scream. I can’t wait (and yet I can) for my older daughter to be home from school so at least they can entertain each other and I might be able to sit down for more than a minute (then again, I can wait for all of the fighting and drama they produce as well).

    Thank you for being so honest and sharing your thoughts!

    Kristen

    Reply
  10. Amanda 18 May 2012 at 12:14 pm

    Perfectly beautiful & honestly maternal post.
    Very well put into words.
    We love Magic Treehouse books.. I used to read them out loud to our twins, who are now coming up on 15 years old, taller than I am, and likely attending driver’s ed this summer.
    Oh, what a handful or two (or four!) they were as little guys. It does pass so fast.
    My family is my life’s great joy, and greatest work. It IS work. You’re doing a wonderful job!

    Reply
  11. nicole 18 May 2012 at 3:23 pm

    amen !! seriously, you just wrote a post about my life!! loved it! and the last photo with your lil guy smiling at you , could that be any cuter ?!?

    Reply
  12. Melissa 18 May 2012 at 9:05 pm

    WOW!! I needed this reminder this week. I felt like I was saying no a little too much. But my goodness the imagination and time my 4 year old requests can be so tiring. I needed the reminder to die to self and that this time will all go way too fast. Thanks for sharing. You are so right that some weeks it seems to come so much easier to do what he wants. Oh & my son loves the Magic Tree House series. We just finished book 12 and he loves reading them every day.

    Reply
  13. Sarah 20 May 2012 at 7:17 pm

    Thank you for this! My littles are quickly becoming big; 4 and 7. And while they don’t require as much tending as they used to, there’s a different need for attention now. There are days when I just want to scream (from behind the bathroom door! :) ) that I simply cannot play babies one.more.time. But there’s the Holy Spirit, prompting me forward. I want to scream and stomp my foot from sheer exhaustion and wanting to do “my” things, but I know that years from now I don’t want any regrets.

    It’s nice to know there are other Mom’s out there who can be real. And I love that when I was at first so hesitant to join in their play, there’s sometimes that moment when I find I’m really enjoying myself. Aww, motherhood. :)

    Reply
  14. Megan 2 May 2016 at 3:27 pm

    I used to read your blog regularly and I came back to search for a post with a picture of the birthday crowns you’ve made for your daughter – hoping to do something similar for my daughter. As I was searching I came across this post and it was JUST what I needed to read TODAY. Ever since I woke up I’ve just wanted five minutes to myself and to not have to think about what else I can feed my always hungry child! That daily dying of self is so hard sometimes, so thank you for the reminder to love them one day at a time. I also just wanted to say I SO wish you still blogged regularly on here. I loved your blog! :)

    Reply

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