a coffee date.

Posted by & filed under coffee date.

cups

One of my lovely internet friends has the occasional “coffee date” with her readers. I always like to pretend that it’s really just with me, and I read it accordingly. Even though I know it’s not really true, I always love reading what’s on her heart and mind.

These coffee dates are so conversational and honest and, well, I’m feeling sort of conversational and honest myself today. So Jenna, my darling, I’d like to invite you and all of my other lovely, lovely readers to join me for a cup of coffee this morning.

Shall we?

 

If we were sitting down to coffee this morning, I’d probably offer you one of my new Anthro mugs that I splurged on specifically for having friends over to chat. Like seriously, I bought two, and that’s their purpose. You get one – blue or teal, your choice. (I can never choose.)

cups

They’re so fancy lady, aren’t they?

And we’d sit on the sofa. And I’d ask you how you are doing.

And we’d probably start by talking about the weather. And I’d tell you that I woke up at six Saturday morning to a needy little gal and a gorgeous, bright snowfall – our third this winter. By nine, my Mom and Sister showed up at my back door with her big, white, great dane (Bess) and took Oliver and Hazel for a walk on the trail in the woods behind our house. I stayed in – warm and cozily planted in my bed. And I do not regret it :) I got my snow fill on our visit to Michigan.

And then, the “weather” talk would end and I would get a little more honest. I would tell you something that has been on my heart hard for the past several weeks. The thing that has made my heart ache and the tears roll more than once – the thing that’s a lot easier to type than it is to actually say out loud.

I would tell you how much I’ve been aching in my heart for Hazel to have a sister here on Earth. [I have a sister – I can’t imagine life without one! We’re in our thirties and we still live less than 3 miles apart.] And even though my mind and anything on paper says it doesn’t make sense to have another child – the cost of another baby, of private schooling – the fact that the diapers and baby furniture and everything from that season of life is literally gone – and the idea of starting all over again just as we are starting our youngest in 2-morning-a-week preschool in the fall. It just doesn’t make sense.

But seriously. My heart doesn’t care.

And my prayer – over and over – has been, “Lord, please, take this desire away. Make me not ache for another baby.”

I would tell you what I know – that Psalm 37:4 says, “Delight yourself in the LORD, and he will give you the desires of your heart.” And I believe it. I believe that the Lord will actually assign desires to my heart, and then fulfill those desires He has given to me.

Right now, weird as it sounds, as I speak with The Lord, I am asking him if this desire is from Him. And if it is not, that He would take it away.

And I would probably wonder out loud – will I always ache for another girl? Even if I had a dozen more, will my heart always feel like one is missing? Just like those nights in the weeks after Evie Grace passed away, in my sleep I would suddenly sit up and lunge across the bed, diving to catch a phantom baby, sure as anything that she was there and that she needed her Mom. My body knew that it had given birth. It knew that I had a daughter. But it didn’t seem to get that something so unnatural had occurred. And my subconscious was just so confused.

If we were sitting down over coffee right now, I would ask you to pray with me for my heart to settle. To find contentment. And to discern the Lord’s leading. 

And I’d want to pray for you, too. How is your heart? What is your struggle? What is your joy?

 

If we were having coffee together this morning, after that heavy moment, I’d probably point out something silly like the fact that my fingernails need to be painted really badly and that Ryan and I are trying to wean Hazel off of her pacifier and that we might actually be making progress! (She went all night last night without her “dewey”!)

I’d also passingly mention that I got glasses for the first time, even though I don’t really need them. With all the writing/reading I’ve been doing lately for She Reads Truth, I’ve been getting tired eyes and occasional headaches in the evenings. Plus, glasses are a fun accessory and they come in pretty handy when you don’t have any eye makeup on.

 

I’d probably also want to tell you something great that I’ve been keeping under wraps for a few months now. I’d get to tell you that there’s a possibility that I might be traveling overseas with Food for the Hungry this Spring/Summer on a blogger trip. And that there’s a chance that Ryan might come, too. And that following their current team in Bangladesh this week has stirred all sorts of antsy/excited/nervous feelings about what the Lord might have for us.

I’d also probably mention that I don’t even have a passport and that I probably need to be reminded to get that taken care of sooner than later. And if you’re anything like my sister, you’d help me identify the next step in that process and determine a day and way that I will complete it. (See, aren’t sisters handy?)

 

At some point in our coffee date, it would probably come up that I’ve joined an athletic club and that even though I’ve been working out 3 or more times a week, I actually feel less and less happy about the condition of my 30-year-old self than I have in a long time. I know everyone judges themselves differently than the world does, but it’s a real struggle for me these days.

On the upside, the athletic club has been really convenient for logging miles with #TeamFMF last month. Treadmills + childcare sure beats January road runs after Ryan gets home in the evenings.

fullempty

If we were still sipping our coffee, I’d be pretty tired of talking about myself by now. Believe it or not, in person, I’m so much happier listening than sharing. And really, in person, I’d have a much harder time pouring most of this out. My laptop is my safe place, so virtual coffee dates work out nicely!

And, if we were really sitting down to coffee, your cup would be almost empty and mine would still be full-ish. I’m a slow drinker and I’ve spent most of our coffee date talking.

So, you want to give me a chance to sip while you share what’s on your mind? Go ahead – tell me something you’d want to tell me on our coffee date! I want to hear!!!

 

97 Responses

  1. hannah schreiner 4 February 2013 at 9:55 am

    Oh Raechel! I can’t imagine how much you ache for a sweet baby girl! I know we don’t know each other IRL but I feel like I know you because I’ve been following your blog for so long. I’ve been so encouraged by your blog over the years. I know you are rooted and grounded in your faith in Christ. Praying that as you look to him, He would give you and Ryan much wisdom and peace in your decisions about your family. Thanks for the coffee or hot chocolate (I like hot choc better!)

    Reply
    • Raechel Myers 4 February 2013 at 10:59 am

      Then hot chocolate it is! (Though my coffee is usually so doctored it could pass for hot chocolate!) ;)

      Thanks for your sweet words, girl! It’s always a little scary opening up about heart stuff, but you and so many others make all the nervy butterflies go away!

      Reply
  2. Ashley Ward 4 February 2013 at 9:58 am

    Oh, I just love you. Praying for your heart as you miss your sweet girl and try to wait on whatever comes next. You’re brave to share your heart :) If we were having coffee, I’d tell you how scared I am to have this new little baby, and how inadequate I feel to have so many little people, but how desperately I want him here, bc the past few months have dealt devastating losses to my pregnant friends and I can’t seem to get the fear out of my heart that something will go wrong for me, too. And then I’d probably tell you how much I’m worrying about our finances because we super need a minivan and that I’m looking into a THIRD job that could potentially be really fun, and that I’m really excited about it. And then I’d tell you that I wish we were having coffee in person and that I miss you, and could you also fix some bacon to go with our drinks?

    Reply
    • Raechel Myers 4 February 2013 at 11:03 am

      Bacon and coffee, coming right up!

      Ash, this actually felt like a mini-coffee date! Praying for all the eager/anxious/nervy feelings surrounding this new baby’s arrival. There are just so many details, I know. But I also know from your own testimony that He has ALWAYS provided. Always. He just likes to make you squirm a little first ;)

      Praying for the heart stuff, too. I know you’ve seen and walked some devastating things these past few months. Life is fragile. It just is. Even after deliver and kindergarten and a wedding. He’s a good sustainer though, isn’t he?

      Love you, friend.

      Reply
  3. Jennifer O. 4 February 2013 at 10:02 am

    I am long time reader, and I think this is one of my favorite blog posts. Thank you so much for sharing your heart. It’s always refreshing to read someone who you know if “being real”.
    I can sympathize with your ache for a baby. My husband and I have been trying to have a baby for 2 years now. After two miscarriages, I have to remind myself daily that God has a plan and this is all part of it. I have to trust fully in His promises and His timing.
    Thanks again for sharing your heart!

    Reply
    • Raechel Myers 4 February 2013 at 11:06 am

      Hey Jennifer. I’m so sorry you’re feeling the baby ache too. In a different way, but in all ways we are just looking him to author our lives and new life. Hugs and prayers for you and your husband. Xoxo

      Reply
  4. Melissa 4 February 2013 at 10:08 am

    I have 2 girls who are 3 and 5 and I also have been struggling with wanting another child and have asked God many times if this is “Him” or if this is “me”. I pay careful attention and have gotten most of the answers I have been looking for so I think I’m getting close to know the answer for my life and His plans….and I know He will give you the same answers. That being said, I have read your blog for a couple of years and to be honest I have been expecting you to announce another baby for awhile now….just sayin :)

    Reply
  5. Leslie @ And Her Little Dog Too 4 February 2013 at 10:21 am

    Love these virtual coffee dates. Both your’s & Jenna’s! So beautifully written, I seriously feel like we are besties by the end! :)

    On my mind at the moment is finding the perfect bathing suit for my upcoming vacation with the hubs! Suggestions?!

    Reply
    • Raechel Myers 4 February 2013 at 11:09 am

      Ooh! That’s a fun coffee date topic!! I actually just saw the cutest anchor one piece in the new jcrew catalog. (I’m a one-piece girl most of the time, and they seem to do them well). I wonder of Boden is doing any cute suits this season…

      Reply
  6. Amy 4 February 2013 at 10:29 am

    If I was having coffee with you I would tell you how incredibly impressed I am by your style: parenting, home, fashion, writing. All of it. I dig it. I would probably bring pictures of my house and try and casually get you to redesign it all for me. Or at least the entry and front room. I’d start there. I would tell you how your faith has encouraged my own. How it has made me step up in that area. I would tell you I am a mother to 4. Girl, Boy, Girl, Boy. I would tell you—have another.

    Reply
  7. Brittany from CountingMyCupcakes 4 February 2013 at 10:34 am

    This is my first time reading your blog – I saw Jenna RT you and just had to read it! I will definitely keep you in my prayers. Although I don’t have kids of my own yet, I have always looked forward to being a mommy to a few little ones and recently have been having fears that ‘what if I can’t have kids?’ Not that I’m trying yet, but I’m getting married in May and when the time comes to try, I worry I’m going to have a hard time. I know I shouldn’t worry – I can deal with it if/when it happens and I need to give all of my worries to God anyway. So if I were joining you for this coffee date, I would ask you to pray for me for the Lord to take my worries away.

    And I’d take the teal mug please ;)

    I’m so glad I found your blog and look forward to reading more!

    Reply
    • Raechel Myers 4 February 2013 at 9:30 pm

      Hey Brittany! So nice to meet you – I’ll have to thank Jenna for introducing us :)

      Thanks for sharing today – I remember having those same concerns. Isn’t it crazy/comforting to know that all of your days have already been written? God knows how many babies you will have and when – and how many babies THEY will have and when :) Now to just remember that for myself… :)

      So glad you stopped by and I do hope you’ll come again!

      Reply
  8. Dawn 4 February 2013 at 10:54 am

    Oh- how I’d love to sit down with you for coffee on this chilly, Monday…

    Those coffee mugs are beautiful and I would feel fancy;)

    I would thank you for sharing your heart and I would be brave and try to be just as open.

    I would tell you how my mind is consumed with being scared to death (and equally excited) about starting a new business and moving to Nashville this summer. I am constantly worrying about having to start over, meet friends, transitioning my two little ones, wondering where the best place to live is, struggling to leave family behind, etc, etc!

    And then I’d tell you how I too wonder if we will have more babies and wanting my children to grow up and be close. I’d tell you how there’s nothing I wish for more than to have the closeness of a sister and want that for my baby girl! But then Id tell you that If she had a sister, then I’d feel like my son needed a brother;) and Im not sure I could take on 4…but could I? ;)

    I’d tell you how I had the best day with my little one taking her to lunch with my friends and then our first shopping date. And how excited I am for my son to start his first soccer team. And we would probably talk about the new things at Anthro.

    I would then tell you thanks for having me and sorry that I talked/stayed so long;)

    Reply
    • Raechel Myers 4 February 2013 at 9:33 pm

      Yay! Loved having coffee with you, Dawn!! Dates like this are perfect for going deep and chatting happy. Love hearing about the first soccer game and shopping date. Sounds like we’d get along pretty well!!

      And… if you have to move… Nashville is a pretty happy place to be! (with LOTS of places to have coffee!) :)

      Reply
  9. Kathleen @Home Wasn't Built In A Day 4 February 2013 at 10:54 am

    Well, first off thanks for inviting me to coffee! But I am afraid I will have to just admire your beautiful coffee mugs from afar as they are far too gorgeous for my clumsy hands to be trusted with.

    Then I would say oh my goodness what a lovely home you have made for your family. I love the gallery wall on your stairs, it makes me want stairs just for that reason. And I would say isn’t it cold outside with all the snow… do you happen to have a throw blanket for my freezing feet that can’t seem to sit on a couch unless covered up? Then I’d say thanks.

    Then I would listen as you talked about your sweet baby girl and wanting to give her an earthly sister. I would cry with you if it came to that point. And I would also understand the desire to give your daughter a sister, as I have one too and know their worth. I would point out that if you were blessed enough to get preggers in the next couple months, it would be just in time to consider that new little one your daughter’s best Christmas gift ever. I would pray with you over it and tell you that sometimes it is hard to interpret our wants with God’s wants for us, and that you just have to trust your heart. Then I would tell you that this desire has been placed on your heart for a reason, and most likely because God wants the outcome to bring you joy, not sorrow. Then I would tell you that is all my human/earthly mind can think of and that you just have to live one day at a time and trust God’s plan for your life.

    Then I would probably get brave and try the coffee in your gorgeous mugs, and for posterity’s sake let’s just say I DON’T break it.

    Then I would freak out and ask you what in the world was your scheme to get rid of Hazel’s (of course I would know her name if I came over for coffee right?) paci?! As I am trying as well to help my 20 month old red headed daughter to say goodbye to hers. I would listen intently, probably ask for an old envelope to take notes on, and plan to try that scheme as soon as I got home. I would tell you that cutting the tips off my daughter’s paci (every. single. one.) has not phased her, as she continues to love and require them even in their less than perfect state.

    Then if the conversation turned to me and my life, I would say that I am currently remodeling our laundry room in our fixer upper farm house. Leave it to me to pick the most horrendous room to start with on our quest to fix up our place. I would admit that most times after a long nap time of working in the laundry room that I end the session with an online stroll through realtor.com dreaming of the new homes in our area that are for sale and wondering if any are in our price range.

    Then I would say that living in a farm house in the middle of the country is a bit lonelier than we had expected and I would admit the desire to give my daughter more in the way of activities outside the home. I would tell you that if she wanted to do ballet one day, we would literally be driving 75 miles one way to the nearest town that offers lessons. Then I would gush about how cute it would be to have a little girl in ballet class.

    Then I would look at my watch and say it was time to head home, I would thank you for the coffee and the conversation and divulge that I haven’t had a coffee date with a friend in over 6 years, so this was kinda cool. The ballet studio is not the only thing we have to drive 75 miles for. I would say have a great day, stay warm, and thanks for the conversation.

    :)

    Reply
    • Raechel Myers 4 February 2013 at 9:40 pm

      You DEFINITELY did NOT break a mug :) And if you did, it would just mean an opportunity to make a trip to Anthro – so I’d probably just thank you!

      Really grateful for your wisdom here, Kathleen. You’re a good friend and I can tell that your’e a good listener, too. And… as much as you might feel like you are missing out on all the things that are 75 miles away, I can guarantee you that there are a lot of women that are missing out on the Kathleen that is 75 miles away from them!

      That made sense in my head. You know what I mean. You have a lot to offer, friend. That’s all :)

      Reply
  10. Heather (Heather's Dish) 4 February 2013 at 11:01 am

    Your heart is just so beautiful sweet girl :)

    First of all, I just want you to know that the Lord has truly used your story (and Evie’s) to bless me and to give me strength. We had a miscarriage two years ago (almost exactly). Obviously it’s a different situation than what you guys went through, but knowing the joy that you remember your sweet girl with – it helps me get through the hard times too.

    And I could not be more excited about your potential trip overseas! I would absolutely love a chance to do something like that – I believe that IS a desire the Lord has placed on my heart, and I can’t wait to read more about it from you!

    Reply
    • Raechel Myers 4 February 2013 at 11:11 am

      Hey heather! Thanks for the travel excitement!! I’ve never been overseas, but FH is enough to get me up and over! Praying that The Lord will make available opportunities to serve Him internationally as He puts that desire on your heart!

      Reply
  11. annie 4 February 2013 at 11:18 am

    oh, mama … I hear you. my heart aches and I often scream that He take it away. no more babies for me {my almost 14-year-old & his Daddy are more than enough for me to handle!}, just a longing I can’t seem to shake. and I don’t know WHY ON EARTH it still lingers … but it often moves me to tears and I’m kinda over it … I undertand the idea of “the desires of my heart” but I don’t think that works with this one … I will be praying for peace for you and all your fuzzy-headed beauties! I do so love seeing them! :)

    Reply
    • Raechel Myers 4 February 2013 at 9:42 pm

      my annie. I’m comforted and saddened to hear that you have that feeling too. And that it doesn’t always happen because you will actually have another one – I just think that sometimes maybe that’s how women are wired. So hard to know. Praying for clarity from the Lord for me, but also peace from the Lord for you.

      Reply
      • annie 6 February 2013 at 2:47 pm

        thank you, Raechel … I hurt for the mamas out there yearning for more babies. those of you with more than one are considered Super Women in our house! we’re good with the one we got and aren’t wishing to expand. but I was touched by your words about asking God to take away a desire that seems unfathomable, unlikely. some day, I will ask Him why He allowed that kind of physical feeling to happen … seems strange. anywho … I shall carry on! :)

        Reply
  12. Lynzie 4 February 2013 at 11:18 am

    Raechel,
    I am an avid reader and love your family (from afar)! Although I cannot relate to your pain, I am actually an only girl with 5 brothers! I have a son (4) and daughter (2) and I long for another, but my husband and I really want to be able to give our children some things equally, a college fund and private school as well. We are pretty sure we could not provide that for a third. We have prayed about it together privately for a while and the Lord has lead us to adopting a third child! Our oldest has a blood disorder and we are in the process of adopting a special needs boy from China with the same disorder. It’s funny to hear you say you want your daughter to have the sister bond, partly because you did. I wanted my son to have a buddy and my daughter to be the princess of the family because I loved being the only girl so much! I know God has great plans for you and your family no matter what. I will keep you in my prayers. Continue to be open with your husband about your desires (as I know you will) so you won’t feel so alone. I think it’s just in us women…once our littles are growing up we miss being the mommy to a baby who needs us constanly. You are not alone. Thank you for being honest and sharing. Happy monday!

    Reply
    • Raechel Myers 4 February 2013 at 12:44 pm

      I loved this, Lynzie. And I loved hearing about your exciting news about adoption and the similarities between your two sons. God is so good, isn’t he? Also – your coffee-date encouragement to be open with these desires with my husband is so right on. It’s tempting to shoulder something like this alone, but there are few things more comforting than hearing your husband pray with you and for you – praying for unity as a married couple as we just serve to honor the Lord with our family.

      Loved this chat, girl.

      Reply
  13. Abby L 4 February 2013 at 11:37 am

    Lovely timing, Raechel, I was actually starting my second cup of coffee when I read your post. :) Your sharing encourages me, especially since it is about where you are right now, with not knowing or having all the answers to everything going on in your life. Sometimes I forget that no one else has their life figured out with tidy certainty either. (I have a feeling that it would be pretty boring if we did!)

    After listening to you share on a coffee date, I’d mention that I have no idea whether God wants you to have another baby but I’ll pray with you about it. I believe God does nurture and encourage longings within us as we follow and obey Him (Psalm 37). I don’t like it when I hear people say things like “If God gives you the desire for something and doesn’t take it away, He’ll give you what you want.” In my experience, God doesn’t always work like that (but does sometimes). Sometimes He fulfills our deep desires in unexpected, less obvious ways. I pray God shows you His plan for your “baby longing” at just the right time.

    When the conversation got around to me (I’m often slow to share), I’d tell you about my wedding plans and how I miss Brian while we live so far apart but I don’t want to rush through the next four months because I also enjoy this sweet engagement time. At times, I WOULD like to rush through the next few months of working a full-time job and a part-time one and wedding planning and student ministry and cleaning things out as we prepare to combine households. I don’t like feeling so busy or feeling like I’m not doing a good job at things, but there is not enough time to do them. I know I need to stop being such a perfectionist but I’m not sure how to do that.

    Reply
    • Raechel Myers 4 February 2013 at 12:40 pm

      Mmm… I loved your words this morning, Abby. Thank you for your wisdom. And as for that engagement time – well, first congratulations on such an exciting time in your life! And second, you’re right to soak it up. But third – YES, I get the desire to just get on with things already. Blessings, sister. Thank you for the coffee date :)

      Reply
  14. Mindy 4 February 2013 at 11:49 am

    i am right there with you in aching for another baby. we waited so long to have the first one & that my age is the factor in me having another baby (i just turned 42..shhhh ;) i know others have them later than that, but i just don’t know. we are giving it a chance & if it happens in the time frame we allotted then we know it was meant to be. if it was meant to be for you to have another it will happen :)

    Reply
  15. Meaghan 4 February 2013 at 11:52 am

    What a great idea! (and I am now following Jenna’s blog, so thank you!)

    If we were having a coffee date, I’d probably be crying because I’m in the early stages of life after losing our daughter and after reading what you’ve been through with Evie, I’d probably open up more because you know what this place kind of looks like.

    Thank you for being so honest. I hope I can be as strong as you some day.

    Reply
    • Raechel Myers 4 February 2013 at 10:15 pm

      Oh, Meaghan. Praying the special kind of prayer that only certain kinds of Mamas can pray for each other. So so sorry to know that you know this pain.

      And crying? Totally acceptable on coffee dates, I say.

      Reply
  16. erika @ rouge + whimsy 4 February 2013 at 12:44 pm

    I pray for contentment for you! I know that Lord can fill us in all and everything… and I am so badly trying to do that– find my all in Him but it’s hard when I keep myself so busy. A coffee date would be lovely- to sit, talk and catch up and just be.

    Reply
    • Raechel Myers 4 February 2013 at 10:17 pm

      Agreed. Just be-ing sure is nice. And the contentment? Whether it’s babies or a million other things, contentment is a universal struggle that we all have to surrender to Christ. Thanks for your prayers, Erika! Let’s do this again some time :)

      Reply
  17. Ali 4 February 2013 at 12:45 pm

    How did you know I would need a coffee date so badly today? I was up all night with my sweet boy who has the flu. Coffee is just what I needed AND another mama to empathize with is just the icing on the cake. ;)

    I am so sorry about the ache in your heart. I pray right now that the Lord will give you divine direction and supernatural peace–whether it is through an definitive answer or a season of waiting. I, too, am in need of the same thing…I so ache to stay at home with my sweet babies but right now I need to work for insurance and extra money. I have the desire in my heart but I am not sure it is His will. I too am waiting.

    Reply
  18. Blaire Harter 4 February 2013 at 2:11 pm

    I needed the verse you quoted so badly today. My husband and I have been trying to have a second child for 9 months now and I am constantly praying if this is the right choice for us or not. I have a beautiful 3 year old boy and he has been such a blessing in our lives that I cannot imagine not having 1 more child. He is so loving, smart and funny and would make such a fantastic big brother. But I wonder if it is MY true desire and not the Lord’s because it has taken us longer this time around. And I pray for trust in Him that he will guide us and that things will happen in His time, not mine. And then our coffee date would probably end with us sharing beautiful photos of our families and laughing over how to get rid of pacifiers or sharing our fears/expectations for starting the 2 day preschool program in the fall.

    Reply
  19. Kaitlin 4 February 2013 at 2:30 pm

    Raechel,
    Thank you for sharing your heart and being so real. I am a new-ish reader and have loved reading your honest and encouraging posts that always point back me back to the cross. My husband and I lost our first baby at 12 weeks last June. We have been trying and praying for another sweet miracle. The waiting and uncertainty is the hardest, but I guess that is what faith is all about; completely resting in Him. Thank you again for being so transperant, and thank you for listening :)

    Reply
    • Raechel Myers 4 February 2013 at 10:26 pm

      Hey Kaitlin! I like meeting newish readers – coffee dates are good for that! My heart hurts to hear about mamas losing their babies – I’m so sorry to hear about your loss. And the waiting afterward – the just wanting to be pregnant again SO badly. Like almost feeling like time and other people are moving at warp speed and every month your not pregnant is an eternity. I remember it. We didn’t get pregnant with Hazel until almost 2 years after Evie passed away (though we did have two other miscarriages during that time). All of my friends’ families were growing and we still just had one child. It was definitely a “resting in Him” time.

      (actually, we got pregnant with Hazel about a month after we committed to being content as a family of three. We’d even gotten rid of most of our baby things *just* before being surprised with that pregnancy)

      If there is another baby – this is all part of his/her story. All the trying and the waiting and the wanting. It’s a part of what the Lord has for their life as well.

      Reply
  20. tammy kay 4 February 2013 at 2:31 pm

    If we were sitting down for coffee…

    I would be happy to take the blue. I just purchased two of the teal. They are my very favorite mugs. I love the “smile” of flowers at the bottom. Its like a bit of a secret each time I see them. I’ve pondered over the blue. Maybe after I’ve had a cup of coffee in it I’ll have to dash off and purchase one as well.
    I’d listen as you’d share your heart about having a girl. I have three girls and two boys. I never had a sister and I have always longed for a relationship such as that. I watch my girls and my heart swells with love for their friendship and knowing that they will have one another. I’m also enjoying my friendship with them. So very different each of them are. I would tell you to not worry about money. I would tell you to not worry about those things that cannot last. Only listen to your heart. Let God lead you and do not fear. I once heard a woman say that you will never regret the children that you have. Whether that means that God fills your womb with another or creates a love for one far away.
    I’d listen as you’d talk about your little girl in heaven. Don’t mind me, I always cry at these things. Could you pass the tissues? “I’m so sorry.” It’s all that I can say.
    I would also have to give you a big ol’, “honey, hush,” when you start talking about your body. Don’t worry, it will be in my best southern accent. At that I will tell you to add more cream to that coffee and pass those pioneer woman cinnamon rolls.

    Reply
    • Raechel Myers 4 February 2013 at 10:28 pm

      Tammy Kay. I think I love you.

      :)

      Apart from the fact that we are coffee cup twins – I lurve a good “honey hush” in a souther accent.

      Can you please come and sit on my sofa right now?

      Reply
  21. Naturally Carol 4 February 2013 at 2:59 pm

    Hi Rachel. If I were sitting next to you, drinking coffee from one of those lovely cups, I’d say, I’ll pray with you about your desire to have another baby and if that desire does not diminish I’d encourage you to follow your heart and have one. It may not be a girl though, but that’s up to God. You may not think it’s convenient now but it may be the best inconvenience ever. You may not think you can pay for another child but God provides…I would tell you of how he has provided for my five children to be private schooled and clothed and fed and how they are adults now. I hope you follow your heart. Thank you for the cuppa!

    Reply
    • Raechel Myers 4 February 2013 at 10:33 pm

      Carol – this little nugget of time with you was awesome! “the best inconvenience ever” :)

      I do make pretty wonderful babies. Well, with the help of my husband and the Lord :)

      And also, if the Lord gave Oliver and Hazel a brother – well that would be pretty spectacular too.

      Grateful for your friendship and your wisdom. Come back for coffee again soon :)

      Reply
  22. Megan 4 February 2013 at 3:00 pm

    Raechel, I was exactly where you are a year ago. I said the same exact words. “Lord take this desire away if it’s not your will.” And at the end of it, and much prayer, sulking, and reading scripture this is my personal conclusion. I don’t think desiring babies is WRONG. That is how God created us. Over and over in scripture it talks about women who desperately want children and WOW they had a lot of kiddos. And unless you are octomom, your heart is inline with God’s will for women in general. Does this sound really old fashioned? This independent modern woman can hardly believe it myself. (this doesn’t mean everyone feels this way). So let me say this before I sound too crazy. My mother in law once said that as soon as she was pregnant with my brother in law, she was completely at peace and content about not having more. That resonated with me, because I really wanted a fourth. So ultimately right now I am 5 months preggo with number 4. And I am completely sure (unless God changes our hearts 180 degrees) that my body is done having babies. I don’t know if this helps you or not. But I carried around a lot of guilt for desiring and aching so much for another baby. My advice (which is worth nothing: this is between you, your hubs, and the Lord) is have that third baby! :) I can tell you that with my third I felt a lot more relaxed. I finally “got” some things about being mom ( although I am NO WAY NEAR where I want to be). And because of that, I really enjoyed every stage of her life.
    Whatever you decide to do, I pray the Lord gives you total peace in your heart!
    -Megan

    Reply
    • Raechel Myers 4 February 2013 at 10:37 pm

      Megan. I am a blessed girl to have a friend like you. (can I call you a friend?) Thank you for your investment in me today, girl. You are a good, clear thinker and you are seeking to honor the Lord with your life. I appreciate your words and your example. Thank you for your prayers and insight and encouragement :)

      Reply
  23. Megan 4 February 2013 at 3:02 pm

    I wanted to add that I for sure wanted a boy since we have two girls and one boy. I am pregnant with another girl! So you may not get a girl, but God will give you the exact sibling he thinks is perfect for your kids! ;)

    Reply
  24. Michelle Tomczak 4 February 2013 at 3:06 pm

    We don’t know each other, but we do. I live in the same city as you, and we went to the same school growing up and through high school but I don’t know that we’ve ever even had a conversation. Sort of crazy! When I read your blog posts, I can’t help but identify with you and wonder how in the world we never connected through the years. So I’m saying hello through this virtual coffee date because I think it’s never too late to make friends. (I’d pick the teal mug. I was just at Anthro the other day, eyeing that very mug.: )

    I admire your strength in all that you’ve been through. I can’t imagine how much you miss your sweet daughter. Your faith is often a reminder to me that I too often lack in the faith department. As far as wanting another baby goes, I’d tell you that you should keep praying and that I’d pray for you too. I’d say that I think you’re right about Psalm 37:4. I’d also tell you that God is really great at handling things that don’t make sense, seem “impossible”, or seem out of our reach. I’d tell you that I need to look in the mirror when saying these things. I’d say I have a sweet sister too, who I adore and who also lives here so I completely understand your wanting another girl. I’d tell you that it is very exciting for you to be going on a missions trip and that I would love to hear how it goes. : )

    I’d tell you that I’m worn out, tired, and overwhelmed. I’d tell you it’s not easy being married to a musician who is on the road more often than he’s home. I’d also tell you that it’s hard that people don’t really get just how hard it is. I’d say that I love my job but I miss my baby, who is now a toddler and that working full time makes me daily feel like I’m missing out on him and missing out on my husband too – we have completely opposite work schedules. I would say that my life feels out of balance and that I don’t know how to fix it. By now, I’d probably be in tears, and embarrassed. I’d say that I too want another baby and that a part of me wants to stop working full time, but that I get anxiety about it and worry about provision. I’d also show you my fingernails that desperately need to be repainted. I’d say you’re not alone. Thanks for your honesty on this blog.

    Reply
    • Raechel Myers 4 February 2013 at 10:44 pm

      Michelle – wow, everything you just wrote makes me feel so not alone! (and your last name totally threw me so I just looked you up on Facebook – how long have I recognized your name here and not known it was you?!?!)

      This makes me want to grab real coffee in real life sometime very soon! Send me a FB message and let’s connect!?

      Reply
  25. Shannon 4 February 2013 at 3:39 pm

    Love this idea! I have been following your blog for over a year now and after going back to read previous posts, I feel like we could have coffee dates!

    Unfortunately, it’s so difficult to figure out what God wants us to do, what His plan is for us. My husband and I went back and forth for about a year praying and searching about when God wanted us to have our first child. Our beautiful girl is almost three months and we can’t imagine life without her. Now we are faced with the going-back-to-work situation… I would love to stay home but I need to find a teaching job to help out financially . Just the thought of putting her in day care brings me to tears :(

    I will pray God gives you guidance and comfort .

    Reply
  26. Christine 4 February 2013 at 4:46 pm

    Everybody likes this coffee date!! I did, too, Rae. Love your heart. You are always in my prayers. Your yearning makes me ache, too, you sweet friend.

    (I’ve been going to the Y every day for the past week and a half and, while I LOVE the exercise, I hate my bottom. I just hate it. Isn’t that a terrible place to be with one’s bottom?)

    Reply
  27. Emily Morrice 4 February 2013 at 4:51 pm

    Oh girl! My heart is hurt to read about you longing for your daughter in heaven, but maybe this is a for real, from the Lord, sign that he is leading you to another baby? Or adopting a girl? Wo knows! But I wouldn’t just chalk it up to emotions. God doesn’t always make things clear, but maybe he is this time?

    Also, seriously, if you really want a 3rd (or 6th…!) please don’t let private school tuition be the deciding factor! There are lots of free education options, if this is truly your heart’s desire :)

    Reply
  28. Tara 4 February 2013 at 5:19 pm

    Thank you for pouring your heart out. Sometimes just knowing that you aren’t alone in your secret desires and longings is all you need…and although mine look a little different than yours mine are filled with so much pain too. Reading this reminds me of the importance of friendship and being authentic. I needed to read this. Praying for you!

    Reply
  29. Bailey 4 February 2013 at 5:42 pm

    This might be one of my favorite posts of yours! I admire you so much and your relationship with the Lord. I’m ashamed to say that when I desire something, I might not always pray about it. I just do what I want. Something I’m working on! It’s been obvious to me that decisions I make without prayer are ones that I always regret.

    If I was sitting down to coffee with you, first I’d have to ask for a Coca-Cola. Then I’d say how absolutely jealous I am of your relationship with your sister. I have a younger sister, but we have never been close and actually still cannot seem to get along as adults. I long for a close relationship with her, but feel that it will never happen for us.

    Then I would tell you I’ve been struggling with contentment. The Lord has blessed me with an amazing husband, a great job, a home. But, still. I feel that I will never be content with what I have, and I feel that I am missing out on living “in the moment” if I’m always looking to how much better the future will be. I long to be closer than a 10-hour drive to my family and friends. I have to remind myself that instead of wallowing in self-pity and looking to the future, I should listen to how the Lord wants to use me here in Texas at this stage in my life. That maybe this time away from the familiar will strengthen my relationship with the Lord and my 6-month old marriage.

    And then I’d agree with you that sometimes it’s easier to type things on the laptop than it is to talk to my IRL friends about things I’m struggling with. So, thank you for letting me get this off my chest!

    Reply
    • Raechel Myers 4 February 2013 at 10:58 pm

      Glad we could both get some things out on the safety of our laptops :) It helps – even if it’s between Texan and Tennessee, we serve the same God and he allows us to encourage each other.

      I would definitely tell you that i’m proud of you for wanting to listen to how the Lord wants to use you where you are right now – even if it’s not exactly where you want to be. And I would also tell you that there are a lot of years ahead for you and your sister – and that there is still plenty of time for the two of you to build on the bond that will always hold you to each other.

      And, I would tell you that I don’t have any Coke here, but we can hop in my van and run to the corner store – I’m always up for a mini-roadtrip! :)

      Reply
  30. domonique 4 February 2013 at 7:08 pm

    I love Jenna’s Coffee Dates and loved this one of ours too! I would tell you that from the bottom of my heart, you will know when you are done having children. You will know it’s time to move forward. You won’t be wondering should we / shouldn’t we. It won’t sound like ‘starting over’ or ‘going back.’ I read your blog regularly, but don’t know you personally and from here it sounds like you aren’t done. From here, i’d say have another baby or at least try. See what He has in store for you and your family. My oldest 2 were older than yours are now when I became pregnant with #3. In so many ways it’s actually easier to have them spread apart. They are now, just turned 3, 6 1/2 + 9 1/2 Best of friends and love each other dearly despite their age differences. Your ‘real’ friends are lucky to have such a sweet special person in their lives. I would also tell you that I LOVE those coffee cups, anthro is the girliest!

    Reply
  31. Sarah 4 February 2013 at 8:10 pm

    Oh how I wish this were a real coffee date. I’d tell you why I’m drinking decaf. And how your text Saturday made my day. And how much I’m looking forward to seeing your sweet face tomorrow night. And how writing for this SRT plan wrecked me. You couldn’t bless me more, friend. <3 He knows the desires of your heart, and He has plans for you, plans for you to prosper and not for harm. I can't wait to watch that be revealed.

    Reply
  32. Jayme 4 February 2013 at 8:52 pm

    Raechel,

    I have been following your blog for some time now. I’m not even sure how I happened upon it, but I am so happy that I did. I find your faith and trust in God, devotion to Him and your family inspirational. There are lots of blogs out there, but I find myself (hope that’s not too strange) coming back to yours over and over. Thank you for sharing such an intimate post and for all of your work with She Reads Truth. God Bless and may you find peace with your current struggle.

    Jayme

    Reply
  33. Melissa 4 February 2013 at 9:05 pm

    I’d start off by thanking you for having me over!
    I’d totally choose the teal cup because I’m crushing on teal for my Spring wardrobe. I can’t decide if I should get teal tennis shoes (maybe vans??), and I would ask you to weigh in on that issue, for sure.
    I’d say that I hear you about snowy days. I’m living in Chicago right now, and walking in it to go to work in the early morning hours takes a little of the fun out of a fresh snowfall.
    Then I’d tell you “amen” on the value of sisters. Mine are my best friends.
    I’d admit that I know God brought me to Chicago to go to graduate school, but it is presenting challenges that I didn’t even imagine.
    I’d ask for your prayer on that one.
    I’d have to tell you that Chicago is a great town, but it feels like Vegas with metered street parking!
    I’d tell you that I love browsing the local Anthro store because it has a HUGE sale section and is practically empy in the early afternoons! I could browse for hours if I didn’t have to do homework.
    I’d also say that desire is more of a gray area. I too have desires that I ask God to remove if they are not His will, and that it is not an easy thing. I would remind you the God is faithful and even though the desire appears so compelling He will comfort and fulfull or not fulfill as He sees fit. I would give you a big hug and say for myself more than anything, rest in His sovereignty. I would wholeheartedly admit that the head knows it before the heart feels it though.
    I needed this little coffe date of ours! Thanks for having me over! I’d give you one hug more, and say enjoy the rest of your day. I’m off to do some reading for class! :)

    Reply
    • Raechel Myers 4 February 2013 at 11:10 pm

      thanks for the date before class, Melissa! And I must say, you’d get an earful from me about all that I love about Chicago. I fell in love in that city! I got engaged in that city! Mmm… the spring through fall *almost* make up for the long, cold, windy winters. Thanks for our date, girl. (And I’m afraid I wouldn’t be much help with the limiting your browsing time on account of homework – it’s so hard to pull away from that place!)

      Reply
  34. Jenny Bjerke 4 February 2013 at 10:29 pm

    Hi Raechel!

    If I had coffee with you, I would probably make you laugh, mainly because I’m pretty silly on accident. I would also tell you that I too have that baby ache and sometimes I don’t, I have more of a baby headache when I’ve run around with him and have forgotten to rehydrate or eat something. I have one who is only 7 months! I would also tell you that my brother and I are 4 years apart because my parents had a baby that died of SIDS in between us. He was just 2 months old. I would tell you that I always wished I had a sister since all I had was a big brother. (A wonderful big brother might I add). I would tell you about how my parents separated and my mother quickly fell into the wrong crowd in San Francisco, ultimately leading to an addiction to heroin and a baby girl who was born very premature because of the drugs. I haven’t seen that little baby since I was nine and her Aunt (my mom’s boyfriend’s sister) adopted her. I’ve missed her everyday. Since I grew up without a sister and my brother, I have always wanted a big family with close siblings. Even though I never met him, I miss my brother Caleb often and look forward to meeting him someday up there. We live in a world where we can (well, we really actually can’t) “plan” everything. You are wise to just be praying for God’s will in the midst of everything. From what I’ve seen and experienced, money comes and goes under his control, no matter what job we have. My dad raised my brother and I as a single parent on a teacher’s salary. He did a fantastic job. You are a fantastic mother and I bet that God would delight in giving you another little soul to love and to raise. We’ll wait and see his plans unfold. I’m looking forward to following you more!

    If I had coffee with you I would also share that I worry about being a mom the second time around and I’d ask you to give me all kinds of advice when number 2 shows up. I’d also tell you about my husbands application into a credential program and me wondering what I will do as a stay at home mom!

    praying for you!
    Jenny

    Reply
    • Raechel Myers 4 February 2013 at 11:13 pm

      Jenny, I’m so thankful for the time you took to chat with me and to share your heart. You have quite a story to tell and more is being written. Thank you for praying for me and I will do the same for you. Let’s do this again soon!

      xoxo

      Reply
  35. Paulina Coy 4 February 2013 at 10:37 pm

    If we were on a coffee date I would start by thanking you for having me over and I would tell you how gorgeous your lady cups are! I would be thrilled to be on a date with someone that not only loves the Lord but understands the pain I’ve gone through because as great as the support system God placed around me before, during and after our Evan’s passing I don’t think anyone can understand this pain better than someone that has gone through it.
    After listening to you share your heart and longing for another baby girl I would tell you that I understand that ache. That although meaybe a little different I feel I am in a very similar point in my own life. You see I will be 19 weeks pregnant on Wednesday, that means it will be one more week till we find out the sex of our sweet baby, what’s the struggle you might ask? I’ve been really struggling with a longing of my own, I want a baby boy (and as you say it’s easier to type than to say out loud). Guilt sometimes fills my heart because I think I should be thrilled that we are having a baby and not worried about what it is, but since we’re being honest that’s were my heart is. My arms and heart long for that baby boy in heaven and want to hold one here on earth and I struggle with that same thought, is it a desire of my heart or does it come from God? Will I be as excited if it’s a girl than if it’s a boy? I can only wait, pray and see.
    In our coffee date I would pray with you for our hearts’ desires and ask God for peace no matter what He has in store for our families!

    Thank you for the huge blessing your honesty is for so many people, specially for those of us who have been through that same pain.

    Reply
    • Raechel Myers 4 February 2013 at 11:24 pm

      Paulina, thanks for sharing! I would definitely say (and AM saying) that I’ll be anxious to hear when you find out if it’s a boy or a girl. And I would tell you as a friend that I understand having a specific gender desire (I wanted a girl with Hazel after Evie and I got one!), but I also know that the Lord is already preparing your heart for what you will learn, even if you don’t know it right now.

      And after that, when it was time to go, I’d let you know that I’m praying for a boy for you, too. ;)

      Reply
  36. Sarah 4 February 2013 at 11:08 pm

    Oh Raechel, I could feel my chest tighten and the air become thin as I tried to take it I. while reading your blog. I know that feeling all too well and will be praying for you. Much love sweet friend. And let’s have coffee soon.

    xoxo,

    Sarah

    Reply
  37. Nicole 5 February 2013 at 3:21 am

    If i sat with you and we shared coffee and dreams i would say ” sweet friend God gives desires and then fulfills them in His way, in His time. Have that baby, or at least be ready to . if He brings you another sweet blessed baby there will never be a day here or in heaven that you will regret it. I know your reservation all too well. My husband longed for another baby, I was not so sure….after 5 years of him begging, me resisting, I finally gave my husband and God one month. I basically said “God if you want me to get pregnant you have 1 month, if not it must not be Your will’. I got pregnant. That baby boy, now 4, is a joy every day of his life. I am often brought to tears at the thought of what would have happened if I did not give the Lord and my husband that month. I would have missed out on one of the greatest gifts God has ever given me. I can’t even remember now what i was so afraid of???? He is such a treasure that what ever it was i was so scared of has all faded at the reality of my sweet boy. My advice is go for it, give in. You will never ever be sad if you do, and you might always be sad if you don’t.”
    and then i would give you a hug =)

    Reply
  38. Bridget 5 February 2013 at 5:23 am

    I’d love to sit down for a coffee with you! I would start off by saying how amazing it is that with me in New Zealand and you in America isn’t it wonderful that we are able to meet!? I’d hold your hand and cry with you as you tell me all about your beautiful Evie and how much you yearn to see her this side of Heaven. Then I’d tell you all about my two sweet sons in Heaven and how I miss their little soft bodies and seeing them grow up. I’d tell you that I now have two little daughters and that I’m so glad that they have each other to walk through life with. Then I’d share that I am terrified of having more children after having 4 c-sections but that we have three embryos waiting for us to use via IVF in the future, and that while I know that God has everything planned and that I will be fine I am still so scared. I would marvel at your beautiful decorating and ask for all kinds of tips and then get brave and ask if I could take some photos. I would pray for you as you work through the decision to have another child and say that I believe that you never regret the children you have as was quoted. I would ask you to pray for me as I try to write my book about losing my children, to give me strength to be brave when sharing my story. We would watch our children playing together and smile at each other and say “isn’t this lovely, we should make this a weekly thing”.

    I would hug you and we would make another date for coffee at my place.

    Hmmm maybe you could move to New Zealand, I so need a friend like you!

    xxx

    Reply
    • Raechel Myers 5 February 2013 at 9:15 am

      Ooh, wouldn’t New Zealand be fun! I loved our date, Bridget. Thank you for sharing your achey places with me today, too. This was nice – and your girls sure are sweet with my Hazel ;) xoxo

      Reply
  39. Becky 5 February 2013 at 10:21 am

    Ooh I would definitely try to find a way for you to redecorate my house. I have serious buyers remorse every time we change something which keeps me from changing things and then ugh. I’ve got stuff I only sorta like! (Oh and I’ve got a bowl that is similar to those mugs and I think we should fill it with cookies or something cuz sugary sweets make my heart happier than coffee!)

    Also, I would probably say that I have a 4 month old and being a mom is so, SO much harder than I could have ever imagined and I often have guilt for wishing he would sleep longer and not counting the minutes until I could stare into his sweet face. And that I want to have more kids but the thought of being a mom to more than one, and doing it well, completely overwhelms me!

    Praying for you. I know you’ll go with what God tells you. So praying that He will make it clear.

    Reply
  40. Nadine 5 February 2013 at 11:19 am

    Knowing myself as well as I do, I would have really listened, and as you smiled through the harder parts, I would have been desperately praying in my head. My mind would have been swirling with verses and wisdom, and I’d slowly ask Jesus if you needed it from me. I try to always ask Him before I speak, especially if I’m speaking words by Him.
    I’d probably tell you that my heart aches for you, and that my heart can appreciate your fears. Fears so often hold me back from simply doing and being.
    I’d share more, but only if I really felt like you were going to listen, and that you wanted to. And I don’t mean that in a selfish way, simply that you shared so much of your heart today, so maybe today isn’t my day.
    Similar to offering wisdom, I try to discern when to share. I’ve always found myself as someone people come to to share their stories and to lay their burdens, probably because they know that I won’t hold them; that’s not my job. I’ll give them to Christ.
    But this is getting long and surely we’ve both got things to do.
    Big Hug.

    Reply
  41. Kim S. 5 February 2013 at 3:31 pm

    I’ve been reading your blog for a couple years now and won a cute little pair of baby shoes you gave away from one of your awesome yard sale-ing days :) So I’d LOVE to come have a coffee date…let’s go to some yard sales first and you can find me some good deals! Then bring out the coffee (more like milk and sugar with a bit of coffee haha) and set Hazel and my 18 month old daughter Molly up on their own playdate :)

    First, I’d thank you for your transparency on this blog. You are an encouragement to me when it comes to having faith despite not understanding God’s ways…if that makes sense. I’d tell you that right now, I am trying to trust that God’s got my future under control and I don’t need to worry…much easier said than done! On Sunday, the church where my hubby is an associate pastor will vote yes or no on him becoming senior pastor when ours retires next month. Either way, it means a more stressful schedule for him and for our family. We are praying that the Lord makes it obvious what path He wants us to take…if He wants us to stay and continue to carry out the vision He’s placed on our hearts for this church, or if He has something somewhere else for us. Wouldn’t it be nice sometimes to just peek at life a year from now? ;) I guess that wouldn’t teach us much about fulling trusting in the Lord though!

    Psalm 37:4 is the verse engraved on my husband’s and my wedding rings :) Thank for for the reminder…if we are truly DELIGHTING ourselves in the Lord, His desires for us and our lives will match what we desire.

    Anyway, thank you for our yard sale/coffee date! And thank you for your blog…your fuzzy haired babies are precious and your words here are a blessing :)

    Reply
  42. April 5 February 2013 at 4:08 pm

    Oh Raechel, my heart aches with you. March 3 was the due date of my precious son I lost at 19 weeks in October 2011. I yearn for another baby to hold. You bless me. I love your honesty….and I wish I could sit down and have coffee with you. We would talk about our babies….your Evie Grace and my Elliott Aamodt…..about God’s faithfulness. Blessings to you my bloggy friend.

    Reply
  43. Alexandra 5 February 2013 at 4:48 pm

    I would love to have a cup of coffee and just talk. I would say that I understand “guiltily” wanting a baby even when you know it doesn’t make sense. I recently had a miscarriage, about three weeks ago. It was unplanned but extremely wanted; we were over the moon. The timing scared me a little bit because, well, there are some good reasons we weren’t PLANNING on a baby – but I just felt so calm and secure, somehow, anyway. When I miscarried I tried to feel comforted by the fact that all the changes I wasn’t sure we’d be able to make yet, the money we don’t have right now, the space, etc – that all of that had more time to get figured out. Before we actually have a baby.

    But I want one. Oh, I want one. I want my baby and I can’t have it, but more than that I want the life that seemed so scary and risky just a short month ago. We found a way to make it work, and now we don’t have to make it work. But I WANT TO MAKE IT WORK. I want to need to. In a way, once the shock of the pregnancy wore off, one of the first things I felt was relief – relief that this decision was out of my hands, that I didn’t need to be burdened with the idea that I was being “irresponsible” by “trying for” a baby when we aren’t really in the easiest of circumstances. The baby was here, and that was that, all I could do was love fully and work hard. And now I am stuck here – desperately wanting a baby when just a few months ago I was fine waiting; still not in a position where it would be “responsible” to “try.”

    I get so frustrated with a society that seems to think that I should need to do the making-it-work part first, before even THINKING of a baby. I feel guilty, and selfish, for wanting this baby even when we’re in a one-bedroom, when he’s working 80-hour weeks, when I don’t have the money for all the cute baby clothes I love. I feel stupid, I feel ashamed, I feel like I can’t let anyone know I feel this way because it’s irresponsible to have a baby when you don’t have a nursery ready and waiting, or whatever. I know that culturally I am supposed to prioritize these things over the baby itself, in a way. I am supposed to be “ready” first. And I just can’t. I want the baby. I want nothing in this world except my baby.

    Anyway.

    I’m 30 as well. I don’t really exercise…at ALL, lol, but I have a very physical job, and living in NYC I walk a couple miles most days without even thinking about it. It’s weird but this is actually mostly the happiest I’ve ever been with my adult body. My body “makes sense,” if that makes sense. I eat good foods and treat it well and it responds by feeling (and – yes, I care, I’m shallow, oh well – looking) good. It feels like my “partner” – I know that sounds silly, since it’s ME, but it’s like me and my body are a team and we are working pretty well right now! Go Team Me, I guess.

    Reply
  44. Dianne McInerney 5 February 2013 at 5:31 pm

    Hi Raechel.
    I’ll bet you never expected to hear from someone like me. I am 61 years old and have been following your blog since I found you from Angie Smith…right about the time Evie went to her home in heaven. I have so appreciated reading about your life. I have giggled when you have giggled, I have cried when you have cried, and I have felt pride in your beautiful children on earth like a Nana would feel about her grandchildren.

    If you invited me for coffee I would SO be there. In fact I would consider it an honor. I would listen to your heart and cherish your feelings. I would tell you that even though I do not know what it is to lose a child, I know what it is to bury a husband. God has blessed me with another wonderful husband, but there is a Bob sized hole for the one who now lives in heaven. The hole becomes less vulnerable, less painful and more resilient. But it can never be filled by anyone or anything else.
    Nor should it. I would pray with you for the Lord to make His will abundantly clear and for you to feel nothing but joy in your obedience. I would tell you that I never had a sister (although I have 3 brothers) and that the lack of a sister made my mother and me incredibly, incredibly close. She was my hero on earth. I would tell you how she died in my arms with my kisses on her cheeks and we would probably stop and shed some tears together.

    Then I would get silly and tell you a secret. My mother was a dress designer and couturier to the rich and famous. I never learned to sew. I wanted to learn to carry on her legacy for my grandchildren and guess what? You taught me! Last April I studied your sewing lessons (here I would show you my notebook) and since then I have made 3 fairy princess dresses for granddaughters, and 3 superman capes for grandsons. I also made American Girl doll clothes! Those sweet children think I dabble in magic! They love that their Nana can sew! And I would thank you with tears in my eyes.

    I’d tell you that I have started quilting also and would share with you the “Little Lambs Eat Ivy” quilt that I am hurrying through for grandchild # 7. I have to hurry because this same daughter (#7’s mother) had a problem last year and miscarried twins. And this year she is at risk for either losing the baby or going into premature labor. Because you are such a wonderful woman of faith you and I would stop and pray for this precious life together. We would cry out on his behalf knowing that Gods perfect will for him is …well…perfect. And we would pray that we would all be obedient to His plans for that precious child..

    By now I’d be in a rush to get back to Florida but I would quickly share how blessed I am to be in charge of the Titus2 ministry of our church because I get to encourage other “seasoned” women such as myself to enjoy mentor relationships with younger women such as yourself. You and I would hug and would end the day richer for our time together. That’s what happens when we cross generations and dare to be sisters in Christ no matter what our age.

    Oh. By the way. I think I’d choose teal.

    Reply
  45. Kristen 6 February 2013 at 11:13 am

    Oh goodness…..am I too late for coffee????? I’m so sorry but the trip from NJ has been long and difficult! LOL..

    you know how much I would LOVE to have coffee with you.

    So, first, let me say I too, struggle with the baby thing. However, I’m 42 and already have an 8 yr old and a 6 yr old. Last night my Ava (6) asked when I was going to have another baby because she wants a baby brother. Too cute. Hubby and I have struggled thru the loss of a baby at 22 weeks to T18 and years of infertility. I am so blessed to have my two beautiful girls.

    I think it’s great that you joined a gym. We have been toying around with it. Both hubby and I need to loose weight. I feel like a slug. A cow and a slug. I have never been this heavy (and to many, I’m really not but I feel that I am) and out of shape in my life.

    I hope you would give me a tour of your home…..I am sure that I am going to love it. We have the same sewing table and lord, you are just so creative!

    I think in one picture you posted last week that we have the same nail polish on too!

    During our coffee, I think I would tell you that I’m starting to feel…well…bored and insignificant. I am currently not working and to be honest, I have no idea what I want to do “when I grow up”…but I’m so bored being in this house all day. I’m thinking of becoming a Thirty One consultant and possibly trying to get something going with my photography.

    Well, I hope that I haven’t worn out my welcome by coming late to the game. Next time maybe I can bring my girls. Grace (8) would LOVE chasing Oliver around and Ava would love Mothering Hazel!

    TTFN my friend.

    Reply
  46. targetshopper 6 February 2013 at 5:33 pm

    Not much time to comment as my little surprise bundle from the Lord is climbing all over me…but I wanted to let you know that I appreciate your honesty and can completely relate! Here are two links to little posts that I wrote 2 years ago about mourning the fact that my daughter wouldn’t have a sister and also how God was at work. I prayed and prayed for years that the desire for more babies would be taken away and my heart was so heavy because my husband was done, done, done…but what an amazing plan God had for our family! I know He has an amazing one for your family too! Keep seeking Him and know that sometimes even when we don’t see Him at work or don’t hear His voice, He is still at work! I really wish we COULD have coffee so that I could share our story because even in the tiniest details, from our smallest to our greatest fears, God has been so faithful!http://targetshoppers.blogspot.com/2010_11_01_archive.html#7701601643973075571
    http://targetshoppers.blogspot.com/2010_12_01_archive.html#6802704680682879282

    Reply
  47. targetshopper 6 February 2013 at 5:38 pm

    I should also add that my blog (and pictures!) are horrendously outdated! Having a traveling spouse and 3 busy kids…life takes over. :p

    Reply
  48. Lauren Casper 7 February 2013 at 8:10 pm

    I love how beautifully honest and genuine this post is. Thank you for being transparent — makes me wish I actually WAS having coffee with you. ;) I remember for months after losing our first baby waking up in the night with my hand rubbing my tummy — thinking I was still pregnant — momentarily forgetting that we’d lost him. I wonder if we as mommies will ever surely know that we’re “done”? I don’t know — I have a 2 yr old and an 8 month old. Both adopted from Ethiopia with special needs. Like you, nothing in life points to us adopting any more. But there’s a corner in my heart that just can’t say that. I just can’t shut that door. I wonder if I’ll ever be able to. Anyway, just wanted to say that I understand and I’m thankful for your honesty. :)

    Reply
  49. Marcella 11 February 2013 at 9:11 am

    I LOVE this posts! Thank you for sharing!
    I would tell you about my dear friend who has 4 boys, and 3 babies in heaven via miscarriage. Her & her husband had kind of decided they were done but were never 100% comfortable in that decision. They decided to go 2 months w/o any preventative measures. If it was in God’s plan for a 5th child to join their family it would happen in those 2 months. And it did! She is pregnant! I would also tell you about my friend whose journey for a third child has been quite eventful. From a failed invitro ~ an attempt at fostering to adopt in a very broken system to now having committed to adopt a little girl from the Congo. The process has been long but God has shown himself in amazing ways. God’s plan comes to those who believe in Him. I pray that God will reveal His plan to you! I pray for patience for you.
    I’d ask you to pray for my struggles too. I am having a hard time being a Mommy and wife. I feel like I am getting lost in it all I am struggling with my self image and self confidence. I’d ask you to pray for my church as it struggles so mightily right now. Thank you.

    Reply
  50. nic 11 February 2013 at 9:52 pm

    oh friend, i’m asking God for peace for your heart and for every desire that fills you to be straight from Him. such hard and delicate stuff all at once–but He is good.

    and the possible ffth trip?! this is the stuff that gets my blood thrumming. keep me posted! and get that passport!

    Reply
  51. max 12 February 2013 at 8:33 pm

    Hello Raechel

    Just wanted to pop you a little hello. I am in Sydney Australia and just recently discovered your blog through the Land of Nod blog. You have a gorgeous blog and are such a lovely person! I have a 3 yr old called Lila and an almost one year old called Evie – a name that I know is dear to your heart. My Evie’s middle name is Wren which I read is your little girls middle name also – spooky! Anyway just wanted to say hello. My 3 year old started her first day of pre school today and it all went smoothly thank goodness!!!!! I should be doing some work now while the baby is having a snooze but here I am saying hello to a complete stranger! Anyway have a lovely week! x max

    Reply
  52. Jodi 13 February 2013 at 7:23 pm

    Love your heart. Personally I am praying for something miraculous to happen without your doing. ;-) The Meyers make too good looking of children to stop now. ;-)

    Reply
  53. Jodi 13 February 2013 at 7:24 pm

    Wow, how fun that your interfacing or whatever technical detail it is actually makes the winking face!!! Nice work, Ryan!!! ;-) ;-) ;-) ;-)

    Reply

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