Has someone you love experienced a miscarriage?
Or maybe a dear friend was told that her baby would not live, and you stood before her, pregnant with a healthy baby, feeling completely helpless – even ashamed.
Maybe one of your own sweet babies was lost to miscarriage, stillbirth or infant loss. And you felt terribly alone and un-cared-for.
So often, when women experience the great (and often unacknowledged) loss of a baby, one of their deepest hurts is the distance of friends and the silence of loved ones. As if they could “catch” the “plague” of loss, they turn the other way when they see you coming, or never seem to mention or acknowledge important dates or your tragic loss.
Is it because they just don’t care?
Or is it because they feel just as paralyzed as you do? They have no idea what they can say that will help and not further wound you. They worry that mentioning your loss to you will remind you that it happened, when really, it’s all you ever think about, and all you want is to allow someone else carry the burden with you for a while.
I’ve been there. I have lost babies to miscarriage. My own daughter was born into the arms of Jesus. And I have been the pregnant friend, standing helplessly and silently by, watching my hurting friend grieve her own loss, and not knowing what to do or say to help her.
Having been both hurt and loved-well in so many of these scenarios, and having spoken at length with many dear friends with similar experiences, I have a many things to share on the topic of friendship in loss. A lot of practical, comforting advice and caution to keep others from feeling as gun-shy and awkward as so many have felt.
Tonight, at 8pm CST I will be teaching a class (my very first) with The Influence Network. The class it about “Loving Well (and being loved) In Loss“. The cost is $10, and I would love to have you there.
How these classes work:
- About an hour before the class begins, you will receive a link in your email. When you follow the link (at the time the class is scheduled to begin), you will enter the “classroom”.
- The classroom will fill your computer screen and has a handful of different sections. You’ll see (and hear) real-time video of me (the teacher) in one corner. No one (not even me) will be able to see or hear you.
- You’ll also be able to live chat with everyone else who is in the class while I talk (sort of a sweet way to build community and get to know other women online).
- You will also be able to ask me questions anonymously (it’s a separate section – only I can see the questions and who asks them).
- I will talk for about 45 minutes, then there will be a 15-minute Q&A time. I’m a pretty open book, so come with questions prepared, if you like.
- And if you aren’t able to sit in on the class tonight, no worries – anyone who signs up for the class will also receive a recording of the class to keep, so you can watch it later instead.
If you’d like to join me in the class, click here to sign up before it sells out. And if you’d like to see what other classes are being offered by the Influence Network this month, check them out here.
Planning to be there? Let me know that I can expect you in the comments!
Have questions you want to be sure I cover? Ask them here and I’ll look them over before tonight.
**Added: a precious sister has just contacted me and offered scholarships for women who would love to attend the class tonight, but cannot spare the $10. Please contact me if this would bless you.**
What a wonderful class! I have had multiple miscarriages and tubal pregnancies as well as walked with friends through there losses. It isnt easy, never does get easy. Thanks for stepping out and sharing through this class. Wish I could attend, but not in the budget. Hope it goes great!
I’ll be there tonight.
I just lost my 9 day old baby in December and while I’ve received incredible support from loved ones, I’m really looking forward to your class.
I’ll be there tonight.
My daughter was born into Jesus’ arms in 2010 and my nephew in December 2011.
Time goes on, but the gut wrenching pain remains. I’m looking forward to hearing your class.
Oh Samantha, I’m so sorry for your losses. Truly.
Glad you will be joining our number tonight.
I will also be there tonight. We lost our baby to miscarriage at 7 weeks in early January. My two questions are:
How do you get through/deal with the crippling anxiety that comes after losing a baby? Anxiety about losing other loved ones, trying again, etc.
Also, my husband’s grief reaction is very different from what you would expect they “typical male grief reaction”, though we know grief is different for everyone. His sadness is just as crippling as my anxiety, maybe even more so. How do I help him through this. We are seeking counseling.
Thank you so much! I’m looking forward to your class.
Great questions, Rachael. I’m so sorry for your loss.
These are very important and I’ll be sure to address them. See you (well, you’ll see me…) tonight!
Thank you for posting this! I have never experienced a miscarriage personally, but some women very close to me have. I was that friend standing there, not entirely knowing how to comfort someone after such a great loss. When I got pregnant, the fear of having a miscarriage during my first trimester was so great it consumed me. The only thing that kept me sane from day to day was reading His word (Isiah 41:10). Fear of having a miscarriage is something many other women may experience as well.
I plan to do this. One of my good friends just lost her infant and I seem to always have someone in my life suffering from a miscarriage. Hopefully this can help me. With out experiencing it myself, I honestly don’t know what to say or do for these people!
I’ll be there tonight. I have not experienced a miscarriage, but have been dealing in infertility over the last year and a half. In addition, I have had 5-6 close friends go through a miscarriage within the last year. I’m anxious to hear what you have to say because I feel like both infertility and miscarriage cause so much grief on couples and so much strain on friendships and family when people don’t know what to say.
I’ll be there. I’m so looking forward to it. xoxo
Thank you for doing this class. I’m not sure if I “can” do it. My daughter was born 8 months ago and lived for two hours. I think that a class like this would be so so good but I’m not sure I can do it. Sometimes it hurts too much. I may sign up and then go to the recording. But I’m so grateful for you and for your voice in helping others through losses like this.
love you
Hello! I’m also looking forward to the class! I’ll have to watch the replay because I’m on the west coast though. I lost my son after 24 weeks of pregnancy last year. I also have several friends who have had their own losses. I’m not sure if you’ll cover this, but I’m curious what thoughts/advice/experiences you have with subsequent pregnancies. We’re 10 weeks along with baby #2, and it’s hard sometimes. This might have to be a whole other topic though.
I have other commitments tonight but plan to see it later. My eyes have been opened to this since my sweet baby boy was born into Jesus arms and I was left empty.
I was at the class tonight, and just want to say a big THANK YOU. I felt validated, encouraged, and blessed by your words and effort. The last year has brought our family two lost babies, both at 10 weeks. I still ache for those little people who lived and died inside of me.
You shared many thoughts that helped me:
Grief being a luxury. Taking the time for grief is a way of acknowledging the life lost. Sometimes feeling crazy. God was sad that I was sad. Waking up to the sound of my own voice quoting scripture. PTSD can be real in the trauma of loss.
Maybe the most helpful point was that sometimes carrying around anyone else’s sad story is too much to bear. I have a friend who often relays other sad stories to me as a way of relating, and I couldn’t put my finger on why that was so hard. Now I can put words to that. It’s just too much right now.
God bless you, Raechel. I can’t say thank you enough for being transparent and obedient.
Will this be offered again or can I purchase the class to watch later? I just miscarried and had a D&C Monday… not sure if I can watch it yet but think that I would like to later perhaps. Thanks.
Lynn, I’m so sorry for your loss. I do believe we are planning to offer the class again. So many people have asked about it since last night, I would expect it to be scheduled again probably before summer. Hugs, friend. I know this ache.
A friend just pointed me this site. I lost my son at 25 weeks due to preterm labor and complications of being premature. I would love to find out when you are holding another class. Thank you.
Would LOVE to be part of the next class!! I’ve been the pregnant friend& it is just awful not knowing how to say what your heart wants to say. I’ve learned so much from my gracious friends who allowed me to share in their suffering- babies born into jesus’ arms at 8 weeks, 15 weeks and 36 weeks. So hard. Thank you for being brave and sharing your story and advice.
I think it’s wonderful that you are using what you have learned from your terrible loss to help others who are hurting or know people who are hurting.
In the last year and a half I suffered two first-trimester miscarriages–and then on Saturday I delivered our stillborn son, Simon, at 26 weeks. Being at home without the baby I just gave birth to is the most shattering experience of my life. My living children want to know where we left the baby, and why he can’t come to live with us. My arms ache for him and at night I dream I am running from room to room searching for him and calling his name. It is the worst pain.
Oh, sweet Sarah. I absolutely can relate to these feelings – and these late at night panicked searches for the baby who was just here. I am so deeply sorry for your losses.
Is there a way to watch this now? My sweet niece was also born into the arms of Jesus on June 24, 2016. I would love for you to read her story at zoekaris.blogspot.com. Thanks!