This past Saturday I attended the memorial service for the infant son of a couple in our church. His name was Philip, and he was perfect and he was God’s.
From where I sat – my body tense and aching in the pew – I could see the grieving parents sitting there, his arm tenderly around her. They were sitting in the very seats Ryan and I occupied nearly six years ago.
We sang some of the same songs that were sung at our own daughter’s memorial service. Several of the same faces attended this service who also attended hers. My body was tense and achey and there were several moments where I wasn’t certain which baby I was crying for more.
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You know, in moments of loss, how people offer all sort of comforts?
And you know how, in moments like those, well-meaning folks sometimes say things that just make it hurt more?
Usually the misdirected comfort comes from someone who cannot empathize but who really wants to. They offer something like, “at least it wasn’t this that happened” or “I know someone else with a similar story, but sadder“. And while they’re trying to relate, they only manage to diminish your own loss.
Well, that’s what happened here. Only this time, it was different. This time, the “well-meaning” words that cut through me and broke me for days came from the mouth of my own, beloved pastor – directly from the pulpit of the memorial service.
“God Himself knows what it’s like to lose a Son,” he said.
I cried to Ryan after the service, eyes burning with tears, anger welling deep in my chest, “That’s not true! Yes, God’s Son died, but Jesus was only dead for three days! And the whole time, God knew He would be raised again in no time! I find all the comfort I need in that Christ defeated death, but don’t tell me God knows what it’s like to lose – actually lose – a child!”
Oh, I was mad. And God was watching. And He could take it. And He loved me.
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A few days later – yesterday – I found myself in a church pew again. This time, remembering the too-short life of a friend’s infant daughter, sweet Lucy Mae. Both Philip and Lucy are buried just a short stone’s throw away from my Evie. And as recently as a week before, their parents were laboring, expecting full-term, healthy babies.
My heart was breaking again, but it was also still bitter about the misguided solace offered by my own friend and pastor. As the rain fell hard outside, my mind wandered to the preceding days spent with the family of little Lucy – to the unfairness of her sudden death, to her beautiful dark hair and her perfect fingers, and to her parents who couldn’t believe she was gone. I was brought back to the present when I heard their own pastor say,
“God Himself knows what it’s like to lose a Child.”
Are you kidding me? Are y’all sharing notes around infant memorials? Doesn’t anyone realize that GOD ONLY LOST HIS CHILD FOR THREE DAYS AND NOW HAS HIM FOR ETERNITY?????? God KNEW what was going to happen – so it can’t have hurt like THIS!
I was too sad to realize the beautiful truth.
Too heartbroken to know what I already knew.
If I am in Christ, then I am no longer a citizen of Earth. I am – with Evie and Philip and Lucy and their parents – a citizen of Heaven. And while the clocks of Earth separate us from a lifetime of moments and memories with the sweet babies we’ve lost, we citizens of Heaven operate on the clocks of eternity.
“…with the Lord one day is as a thousand years, and a thousand years as one day.”
2 Peter 3:8
The crucifixion of Christ indeed separated God from His Son. And indeed, God knew that in a short time, they would be reunited in Heaven for eternity. And so it is for any one of us who is in Christ.
My pastor was right (as he often is); God does know what it’s like. God knows loss and He knows separation. Whether our separation from our loved ones is three days or ninety years, and even though we don’t know exactly what the future holds – we absolutely know that we are promised an eternal reunion:
“For the Lord himself WILL descend from heaven with a cry of command,
with the voice of an archangel, and with the sound of the trumpet of God.
And the dead in Christ will rise first.
Then we who are alive, who are left, will be caught up together with them
in the clouds to meet the Lord in the air,
and so we will always be with the Lord.
Therefore encourage one another with these words.”
1 Thessalonians 4:16-18 (emphasis mine)
To the Signers and the Tomczaks,
and to the countless number of you who know loss:
the Lord Himself WILL decend from heaven,
we WILL be caught up together with our children,
and we will ALWAYS be with the Lord.
And it won’t be long now.
In the last two weeks I’ve spoken with 3 different couples who have lost their babies. It is one of the biggest reminders of this fallen world and i hate it! It is so hard trying to offer hope in this horrible time they’re going through, but the one thing I tell lots of people is just like your quote “Oh, I was mad. And God was watching. And He could take it. And He loved me.” I LOVE that! It’s so true. He can take it. So often I think in hard times we get guilt added on top of the other pain because we’re angry or sad at God, but He knows. So why not go to him with it. Let him help you wrestle through those times! Thank you for this reminder!
This post was beautiful. It’s so upsetting how many of us have lost our babies. I make it through knowing that I will see my baby girl again some day. The words in your post give me even more hope.
So much love to you and to your friends, Raechel.
oh Raechel. I don’t have words. Love you so much, and lifting up your friends in prayer today.
Reading this with tears in my eyes. I attended a funeral last week for a 10 day old baby boy. The pastor spoke those same words to our grieving friends. Such agony…but we do not grieve alone.
Thank you for this, Raechel.
Thank you for sharing, these words are powerful ones. Thank God for the promise of eternity with our babies.
This puts such beautiful words to the horrific experience of losing a child. Thank you for sharing them!
I just cried in Taco Bell.
Thank you for sharing-so blessed!!
I’ve been there, too. Lovely comfort to be found here- thank you.
You keep track of all my sorrows.
You have collected all my tears in your bottle.
You have recorded each one in your book.
~Psalm 56:8